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• How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?

 

• My favorite mythical creature: The Honest Politician.

 

• When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?

 

• Give peace a chance. Move to a new town and don't tell your relatives.

 

• Hating hate does not mean you love love.

 

• A pessimist is someone who looks at the land of milk and honey and sees only calories and cholesterol.

 

• To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

 

• Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business"; always be followed by, "but"?

 

• I'm too apathetic for a group hug. Let's do a group shrug.

 

• It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.

 

• I'd rather be late in this world than early in the next.